A concerned Catholic: I am in my mid-thirties. I am dating a good man, but he has no faith. He isn’t against Catholicism, but nor is he supportive. The dating world is so difficult. I really want to have a family, but time is pressing. I am not naïve. I recognise his lack of faith is a difficulty, especially when it comes to raising a family. How do I discern my future?
Well done for recognising the issue and addressing it at this stage. While dating, too many Catholics give no thought to discrepancies in belief or rashly assume that all will be well regardless. Priests know that the importance parishioners attach to questions of Baptism, Mass attendance and Catholic education can change radically once they have children, leading to fundamental disagreements with the non-Catholic spouse. Sadly, if litigation ensues, courts can say that the religious formation of any children must be a joint decision of the parents. Effectively, a non-Catholic can prevent a child from being raised Catholic.
This is not to say that you should not marry a non-Catholic. Non-Catholic spouses can be more supportive and principled than some nominal, cynical Catholics. We can explain to a child why a non-Catholic parent has a different religious practice. It is much more difficult to explain why a Catholic parent does not practise their faith.
Marriage to a non-Catholic is addressed in the prenuptial documentation. A Catholic may marry a non-Catholic in a Catholic marriage, with the permission of the bishop. The necessity for this may surprise some, but there are circumstances in which pressure can be brought upon a Catholic to abandon their faith, for example by an intolerant atheist or Muslim. For a mature couple who show mutual respect, permission will generally be readily granted. Other than acceptance of the general principles of marriage, nothing is required of the non-Catholic. The Catholic spouse must promise to uphold their Catholic faith and to do everything possible to ensure that any children will be raised as Catholics. Obviously, the non-Catholic should be aware of this promise and be content for the Catholic to make it. If the non-Catholic is not happy for the Catholic to make such a promise, then we must question whether we can prudently enter into the marriage.
The difficulty is that, by the time the documentation is completed, most couples have finalised the practical arrangements for the wedding. The issues concerning marriage to a non-Catholic need to be addressed much earlier in the relationship.
Only you, as the result of a process of discernment, can determine whether you should marry the man you are dating. Your observations about the dating world and your age are pertinent, but you should not enter into a marriage solely for these reasons. You say that he is a good man; no doubt you love him for good reasons. You must discern whether he will be both a good husband to you and a good father to your children. This will include his willingness to have your children baptised and raised as Catholics. In daily prayer, ask God to show you if this is the man He wishes you to marry. Listen to those who have your best interests at heart. Consider going on retreat, where you can bring this question to a period of more intense prayer.
You hold different beliefs. That, in itself, is not insuperable. Talk to him about the importance of your Catholic faith to you and what that will involve for you and your future children. Listen to his concerns and seek to address them.
One mother advises her children that they can happily marry a non-Catholic, provided the non-Catholic is willing to attend Mass with the rest of the family. Such willingness indicates a sacrificial love, an ability to suspend their own preferences for the greater good of the family, and indicates that the person would make a good spouse and parent. Most parishes include many non-Catholics who faithfully accompany their family to Mass each Sunday, who are fully supportive of their children’s sacramental life and Catholic education. What you say suggests that the man you are dating may not be willing to do this, but have you invited him to come to Mass with you? Non-Catholics’ misconceptions are often dispelled when they attend the liturgy and when they actually meet priests and other Catholics.
God will hear your prayers and show you what your future should be. It may be that, after discussion and practical experience of the Catholic Church, your boyfriend’s attitude softens. He may arrive at a better understanding of your faith and be willing to support you, even if he does not share your faith. It may be, however, that he continues in his current position. If so, it is better to take decisions now, however painful, than to postpone conflict for the future concerning what is most important to us. Trust God. If you discern that this is not the marriage He intends for you, then He will have something far better in mind for you. Be assured of my prayers for you.
