As an intentionally abstinent young person in the 2010s, ‘that part’ of my life did not fit the norm. When I shared this personal detail with classmates at university – as I was happy to, getting into debates at times – I was often met with confusion, condescension and, on occasion, disgust. If I was to have any social credibility, it would have to be despite this life choice.
Perhaps it is my algorithm reinforcing my own bias, but fast forward to today – a mere 10 years later – and it seems things are starting to shift. ‘Zero body count is a flex,’ read a recent, popular social media trend. Could it be that chastity is becoming fashionable again?
In another recent example, I was surprised to find chastity trending. Instagram fed me a reel of two young, secular men examining a survey on infidelity from 2019. They were discussing how people with five or more previous sexual partners were twice as likely to experience infidelity in their current marriages, compared with people who had four or fewer lifetime sexual partners.
The men discussed how the results made sense to them, since past behaviour is an indicator of future behaviour. One of them raised the common objection about a person needing to ‘get it out of their system’ – ie needing to have lots of casual sex before marriage so they are less tempted by it later. The other laughed and asked if the same could be said of alcohol. ‘So I can drink less in the future, I am going to drink more now.’ An excellent point, I thought.
A large number of young people, especially young Catholics, idealise marriage – which, in a way, can be positive. Marriage is an incredible institution, elevated to a sacrament in our Catholic faith. It forms the framework for the most fundamental building block of society – the nuclear family. For most young people, marriage and family should be their goal.
But in idealising marriage, they need to remember not to idealise their future self. Getting married does not make you a good husband or wife. Training to be a good husband or wife will. What does that look like? First and foremost, not sleeping with people who are not your future spouse – for many reasons, including that it statistically decreases your chance of infidelity.
This is not to say that a person cannot change. A wonderful marriage can certainly exist between individuals with chequered pasts. Rather, this is to encourage those who are yet to write their story to consider carefully how they will act.
After watching the reel a couple of times, I decided to post it on my personal Instagram account and begin a 24-hour conversation via ‘stories’ to discuss the matter more widely. This is something I do semi-frequently and have covered a range of topics from IVF to transgenderism, Donald Trump and more. It is a great way to hear other perspectives, shattering my bubble when needed and fostering healthy debate.
I put out the question: ‘Does waiting for marriage set you up for success? Why/why not?’ Again, aware of the bias – most people who follow me on Instagram are conservative, Catholic, or both – I was moved by how others responded. One of the most popular responses can be summed up as: ‘I did not wait for marriage. I regret it deeply. I am working hard to make things right in my life (or marriage) now.’ It started to confirm what I had been wondering – whether the case for chastity was gaining traction, albeit later than some would like.
One of the trickier questions we discussed, and one which has come up a lot online, is whether engaged couples should be intimate. Popular journalist Louise Perry has spoken at length about why couples should wait until being engaged to have sex – a refreshing perspective in many ways, given modern hookup culture. While we could say it is a step in the right direction (which, for those deep in hedonism, it certainly is), for people of more traditional values I argue it is falling at the final hurdle.
For a Catholic – or anyone who values marriage – engagement is the lead-up to a permanent, lifelong commitment, and so it should be an intense time of preparation and discernment. The excitement of sex, especially when newfound, could easily blind one to their betrothed’s undoubtedly existent faults and potential unsuitability as a spouse. Do not think that you already know everything about them. Planning a wedding has a particular way of surfacing a person’s deepest flaws and idiosyncrasies – and those of their family.
If the engaged person is meant to be discerning, physical intimacy is likely to be the greatest distraction from the cause. And if marriage is to be until death, a few more months of self-denial is but a small exchange for clearer thinking at this crucial time.
As with all virtues, chastity requires sacrifice. However, instead of focusing on what it takes away, remember what it gives in turn: statistically, in many cases, a lasting marriage – lifelong happiness with the person you love and the possibility of bringing up children in a loving, stable home.
God’s ways are always good. Early self-denial does, indeed, set a marriage up for success. The Church has always taught this, and now statistics – and perhaps even trends – are backing Her up.
This article was originally published by Called to More.
