A concerned Catholic: I am a gay man in my thirties. I try to live by the Church’s teaching, but find “enforced celibacy” very difficult. Vocation to priesthood or marriage, which the Church talks about constantly, are free choices, but my situation seems to be forced upon me. I have a strong desire for emotional intimacy, not necessarily a sexual relationship. I fear growing old by myself. Can I date for emotional companionship? Does the Church really have a place for me?
Thank you for being so honest about your position and your desires. Well done for seeking to live in accordance with the Gospel. That alone will bring you genuine and lasting happiness.
You make important points. Absolutely, there is a place for you in the Church; you are deeply loved by God. I understand that you feel that the Church seems to prioritise vocation to priesthood and marriage. Without ceasing to do that, the Church must speak more urgently about living the universal call to holiness as a single Catholic. So many in our parishes are single, either by choice or necessity. The Church must speak to them about their particular path to holiness, loving God and serving their neighbour. Not having the same commitments as many families, single people have much to offer in terms of their time and skills, and to receive acceptance and fulfilment in return. The Church also needs to acknowledge and address the sense of loneliness and isolation that they can sometimes experience.
You feel singled out for “enforced celibacy” by virtue of your same-sex attractions. Again, the Church is at fault if she has given that impression. Yes, she expects you to live a celibate life, but she has the same expectation of unmarried heterosexual couples. As we know, sexual relations are reserved for the permanent, committed relationship of love which is marriage, open to the gift of new life. It is necessary for the Church to be clearer that this applies to all, regardless of sexual attraction, rather than appearing to condone sexual relations among heterosexuals outside marriage.
You ask whether you can date for emotional companionship. Perhaps the term “dating” is unhelpful here. It has connotations of exclusivity and of the search for marriage. As you are aware, dating in the modern secular world can also be an occasion of sin – an old-fashioned term for a very contemporary reality.
That said, the Church does not expect anyone to live a loveless life. You were created in love by a God of love in order to love. This is an opportunity to rediscover the Christian understanding of love. Our Lord commanded us to love one another as He has loved us. The greatest love ever was that shown by Christ upon the Cross for our sake. That was not a sexual form of loving. Think of those who have shown us the deepest love, often parents, grandparents and siblings; again, not a sexual form of loving. Then, sadly, there are too many instances of sexual activity which have nothing to do with love. With our eyes fixed firmly upon Christ, we see the distinction between love and sex, which so often the modern world chooses to ignore or oppose.
The human person can live without sex; he cannot live fully without intimacy. The Church needs to speak more insistently, particularly to the single, of the great gift of friendship. This is not something to be belittled. Jesus was single. He loved His disciples, male and female. “You are My friends,” He said to His Apostles at the Last Supper, “if you do what I command you.” Our Lord offers a model of loving friendship which is neither exclusive, possessive nor manipulative. While we are called to love all, there are those with whom we enjoy closer, more intimate friendships. We see this in Our Lord’s own humanity: His friendship with Martha, Mary and Lazarus; His friendship with John, the beloved disciple. Our Lord gave and received affection.
We are conscious of our fallen human nature, which can affect and distort our relationships and loving. We are realistic about the temptations which all of us face. Yet we are also redeemed by Christ, Who came to heal us in our totality. Be faithful to prayer and to the sacramental life, and you will receive the graces required to live out your relationships. The Church is meant to be experienced as a community and a family of faith. This is the case when we make commitments. Consider participating in some of the many Catholic groups that exist. There you are more likely to meet people who share your beliefs and values, and who will support you in the challenges ahead.
Give and receive friendship. Friendship is being accepted by others for the people we are, not a prize for our effort and attainment. Live out your faith joyfully in your workplace, your social circles and your parish. Be a person of integrity, compassion and honesty, someone who gets involved. Love God, love others and receive the love we are all called to experience.
